Dec 2, 2009

EXCLUSIVE: Earth in on it!

While the lower half froths over trivial emails taken out of context, SourPersimmon has discovered the true smoking gun of the massive global warming conspiracy.

It's not just that every climate scientist has shunned the penny-ante bribery of free fill-ups at the local Exxon station for the more tempting lucre of grant money and carbon offset trading. They are smart guys who can clearly recognize long-term value. It's not the charade of trekking to the poles to drill ice cores or poring over tree rings and pollen deposits to reconstruct the paleoclimate. Let's face it, scientists love practical jokes, and if they all decide it would be a hoot to fool the world into thinking they've discovered temperature proxies, the only thing that will give them away is the giggling.

Scientists can definitely fool everybody all the time about what the world was like 50,000 years ago or what it will be like 50 years from now. Fooling people about what is right in front of their eyes is a bigger challenge. Shrinking glaciers and Alaskan fishing villages crumbling into the sea are harder to fake than results from crazy computer models.

Look at this shit:

Those are direct, empirical, present-day measurements. What the hell? To understand this, you must time-travel with me back to January 1, 1993. Bill Clinton had not yet been sworn in as President, but already the transfer of power had begun. Al Gore was involved in secret negotiations, unrecognized until just now when I, SourPersimmon, realized what the title of Gore's book released on that New Year's Day really means: Earth in the Balance.

The Earth is IN ON THE CONSPIRACY!!! It's not just a bunch of joker scientists helping Gore win prizes and sell offsets, it's Earth herself! She's in on the scam, melting her glaciers and calving icebergs. First fossils and now this. You were Gore's whore, old girl, but now the jig is up.


Ripe Persimmon said...

Are you implying the earths temperatures remained relatively constant and never warmed or cooled until mankind started the industrial revolution? That is just dumb.

Rikki Hall said...

No, I am implying that the earth is fabricating data and tricking our measuring devices into making readings that are consistent with the idea that a build-up of carbon gases will result in an accumulation of heat. How else can you possibly explain direct, observational data that affirms warming predictions? She's in on the scam!

Ripe Persimmon said...

I thought the Pro earth warming scientists were fabricating the data to get grant money. The earth can belch more carbon gas in one major volcanic eruption than mankind has produced in its entire history. I blame the sun for the small amount of climate change we have recorded in the past 100 years. Has Al Gore got something going with the sun too? He is one sneaky SOB, and making a fortune spreading his tale.

Milford Loudermilk said...

I knew she was a whore! Who knew Al Gore and Earth were gettin it on in a dirty Texas Roadhouse bathroom? That's where the heat is coming from, Al's gettin it in a revenge session over that explicit lyrics thing Tipper did in the 80's.

Rikki Hall said...

The Earth is definitely capable of the deception I'm accusing her of. She almost drove humans to extinction 75,000 years ago with a volcanic eruption. The Sun is not nearly so moody. Your hypothesis is without evidence. I'm sure you know that. Obviously you don't want to address the simple observational evidence of carbon build-up and consequent heat accumulation.